anna_darkholme

So I found LJ again (was it lost?) and my background is a bunch of weird frowny faces saying the image has disappeared off tinypic, lol. I can't even remember what it was tbh.

So what's good? It's been nearly a year since I've posted on here. I sometimes log in to read my archives and laugh at how pathetic and needy I was in the past. Being in a LDR with someone who I was so in love with, who had mental issues and was so hot and cold really took a toll on me and I can see it in those entries. Man, I thought I was so happy then. I mean, I was... at times. But overall I was just anxious and clingy. Unfortunately I was damn near 30 then lol.

Life is much calmer, better, happier now. I will say that I don't have a lot of friends but I realize that this is how I prefer it. I have one good friend, who we even call each other best friends, but when we had it out once (we have forgiven and forgotten), I remembered why I prefer to be friendless... the energy it takes to please people is astounding. She complained about how she always had to call me bc I never call her (I hate the phone, always have always will), about how I was supposed to hold water about certain things to certain people.... man it was just a mess. I do love her still but I was about ready to drop her tbh. I still have a lot of acquaintances who I like and who like me and I'm cool with that.

I'm engaged now and our relationship is really good. There were times around 2 years ago that I thought we would break up (hell, I probably wrote about it here lol), there were many times that I pushed her away because my heart was still so scarred. She stuck through it; she really does love me for whatever reason and I love her too. At times, I dream that she doesn't exist, or that she left me and I feel so incredibly empty inside while searching for her to be whole again. I truly believe she is the love of my life, if that's a thing. We have been so many places together... Amsterdam, Paris, Costa Rica, St. Marteen, Aruba, Mexico, Berlin, Johannesburg, Cape Town, Portugal, Spain... and we plan to never stop traveling. My 10th year with big D is next year and I'll be maxed out pay-wise and I'm making pretty good money. I own a home and it's paid for and I am blessed to have no major stresses. Tara is moving in, finally, in a few months. I can't wait for the day that I get to come home to her every night and sleep with her. Once I roll her back to her side of the bed, at least. Lol.

Clarence is still kicking! He's 14 next year and I love him so much. Alejandro will be 10, and I have a new cat who I fed back when I was in a townhome... him and 2 siblings, they were all feral and wild but Boris started to trust me to the point where he'd roll over and let me rub his belly. I just had to bring him in — one day a cat was in the road dead and I thought it was him at first and cried. He's in my lap now, and is there a lot of the damn time haha he's so cuddly and he loves me to death. He tolerates Tara which makes me love him more haha (the other 2 love her and she loves to point that out and make me jealous!).

Honestly I am good. My parents and grandma are still healthy, I spend the days working (and I mostly enjoy work), and my nights playing video games and watching netflix. I go see Tara (or she comes here) at least once or twice a month (when we aren't traveling to an exotic destination). My anxiety is pretty much controlled now thanks to lexapro. I am happy and I hope life continues this way.

Hope all my old friends on here are doing well too!

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